The Tale of Arch-Pirate AAAARRRRRRR Richmond

Well it's been a long time since I wrote that last piece. Since then I have returned to Blighty and my adventures in Saudi seem a distant dream. Much of what I experienced over the years feels like that as I get older; and any causal reader is probably aware of this too. Which is why I have chosen to record events here again. Originally I intended to write for an audience, but looking back at my last entry, it has amused me enough to consider I am all the audience I really need, given time to forget what I wrote in the first place!

Recently I have been bombarded by letters for a certain Mr AR Richmond and his brother PR Richmond, who dwelt in my house before I occupied it. They seem to have not understood the concept of paying for services or goods at all, as they owe money to BT, Sky, Scottish Electric, Southern Water and to Reading Council both for Council Tax and for unpaid parking fines. I have duly been returning these to their origins, informing the senders that this family of master criminals no longer resides here.

It's the parking fines that seem to be causing the most bother. They sent me two unsealed letters a little while ago with a red note stapled to the back addressed as usual to the Richmonds. These stated that they will be seeking "Legal Entry" to my home unless I phone a premium rate number and tell them where the Brothers In Crime now live. I sent these back with a further note: "If I were AR Richmond (Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum) you'd have every right to enter my house. But I'm not and he doesn't live here. Thank you".

They responded a few days later.

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: A R Richmond

You have recently returned a letter addressed to the above named but did not provide any details. Please confirm your name and date of occupation, In addition we would appreciate any information you may be able to provide; e.g. Is the person known to you; When did he/she vacate the property; do you have a forwarding address/telephone number? This information will enable us to remove your address from our records. Without it, we will be unable to report to our client and our Agent will have to visit. Please telephone 0870 389 5595 and select option 4. Alternatively, you may write the details on the back of this letter and return to the above address, enclosing any documentation which would help in correcting our records. Thank you in advance for your assistance and prompt attention in this matter. All information received will be treated in the strictest confidence.

Yours Faithfully,

Collect Services Limited

So how should I respond to this weirdly authoritarian intrusion into my life? I certainly couldn't be arsed to play ball. Who were they to tell me I had to register and tell them where their man was living? Fuck it, I decided. I have few pleasures in this world. I can't ignore the chance to fuck with their heads. So this is my reply...

RE: A R Richmond

Collect Services Limited
2/4 High Street
Ickenham
Middlesex
UB10 8LJ

Dear Mr C S Limited,

I did indeed return a letter addressed to the above named to you. The simple fact is, this person is unknown to me.

Thank you for the invitation to “confirm” my name with you anyway. However, I have been using my name now for all of my life with no problems. Whilst the prestige of having you “confirm” my designated moniker is hard to resist, I think I will attempt to struggle on through life “unconfirmed”.

To my knowledge I have never been “occupied” (unless you count the time my mother found some hair lice on my head when I was 6). Therefore I am unable to provide you with my “date of occupation”.

You wrote that you would “appreciate any information I would be able to provide.” It is my pleasure then to offer the following information in the hope that one day it will be of use to you:

1) If you eat a polar bear liver, you will die of vitamin A poisoning. As a carnivore which feeds largely upon fish-eating carnivores, the polar bear ingests large amounts of vitamin A, which is stored in its liver.

2) Peruvians consume an estimated 65 million Guinea pigs each year, and the animal is so entrenched in the culture that one famous painting of the Last Supper in the main cathedral in Cusco, Peru shows Christ and the twelve disciples dining on guinea pig.

3) Tasmanian devils give birth to 20-30 young, each weighing approximately 0.18-0.24 grams. When the young are born, they move from the vagina to the pouch. Once inside the pouch, they each remain attached to a nipple for the next 100 days. Despite the large litter at birth, the female has only four nipples, so that no more than four young can survive birth. Those who do not procure a nipple are typically eaten by the mother.

Hopefully, as promised, this will now enable you to remove my address from your records. Of course, as I have not given you permission to record my details in any electronic or paper form you cannot legally keep such records anyway under the Data Protection Act. As such I respectfully ask that you remove any record you may have regarding me or my address from your systems immediately.

Should you wish to send one of your “agents” round, I must warn you that I have prepared my villain’s speech: “At last we meet Mr Agent, I’ve been expecting you. In fact, it’s taken you much longer to find me than I thought” etc, but should they choose not to use the front door bell, I have also taken the precaution of locking my doors and windows and installing a laser matrix, so I hope they are good at gymnastics.

Also, I will politely decline to ring the telephone number you provided, and selecting option 4, as you forgot to give me any reason why I should bother. I suspect you may have recently purchased shares in BT and are trying to boost their profits surreptitiously. Shame on you! If you want to hire my services as a private detective please call 09452 909090 (Calls cost £1.50 per minute peak time) and then we can discuss terms and payment.

If you don’t want to phone me, let me thank you for taking the time to write to me anyway.

I wish you good luck in your search for A R Richmond. Here’s a tip for free, I looked up “AR Richmond” in Google and came up with a town in Surrey. Maybe you should try there first?

Sincerely,

Mr T Occupier!

I will keep you informed when they send the inevitable disgruntled response. Thanks for reading.

J

Everywhere You Go You Always Take The Weather With You

I arrived in Saudi Arabia just over a week ago, in a thunderstorm. The plane Captain almost aborted the landing when lightning struck the runway in front of him. Of course he didn't tell us this until we had landed, and only in English. I know this because I have enough French and German to get by, but I wondered why he had kept this to the English speakers on board.

I think I have a tendency to bring weather with me when I go places. Before I was married and divorced, what seems like an eternity ago, I went to the Shetland Islands after the Braer Oil Disaster. The intention was to help clear up the 85,000 tonnes of Crude Oil that came pouring out of the stricken ship.

When we arrived on the ferry, we brought with us the highest tide in the Island's history, as well as a heavy blizzard and high winds. These three things, combined with the rolling waves performed the miracle of breaking the oil up so no slick could develop. Thus The environmental catastrophe that had been feared and predicted never happened.

It really had nothing to do with me of course, but the little old lady we stayed with insisted we were "charmed". At least that's what i hoped she said. The Scottish accent is very pronounced up there and it sounded like she was saying we were "jammed". I may have escaped a nasty sexual experience through naivity, and probably not for the first time.

There has been no weather since, here in Saudi. Just hot sun. Saudi Arabia is very very very hot. I expect this is not really news to you, but this isn't like any heat I have encountered before, including the filling from a McDonalds Hot Apple Pie. It is a dry dusty oppressive heat. When you walk outside even just for a few seconds you start to stagger like someone lost in the desert and you lose your trousers from the knees down.

Friday of course is the Islamic Sabbath. So the weekend here is on Thursday and Friday. It is best not to go outside on a Friday, so I have been told. The religious police (The Muttaween) are out in force making sure people are obeying the Sharia dress code and attending prayers. Here's a news report highlighting some of the issues http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/1874471.stm

Some of the other contractors here speak of being forced to go and watch public executions and attend mosques, even when they state to the muttaween that they are not muslim.

For the most part, apparently and hopefully, whites avoid the harsher treatment. To promote Western investment there is a tendency for the authorities to have one rule for the brown skinned and one for the white. I am guiltily grateful of this, but also worried about my fellow contractors who are either Asian , Indian or black.

This means, though, that my workmates like having me in their cars as they get waved through the checkpoints that punctuate the highways in Riyadh without having to surrender their passports or licenses. And back to the metereological theme of this post, this makes me a bit of a fair weather friend to them, at least until we get to know each other better. Its nice to feel needed and it helps me settle in.